Too Late
by carmsleatherpants
Summary: Laura's realization comes a little too late.
1. The Moment

_It had been two weeks. _

_Two weeks since the "Battle of Silas," as it would come to be known. Two weeks since her entire universe came crashing down with one grand gesture. Two weeks since her realization that had come far, far too late._

Laura woke up screaming every night. She'd be flailing beneath her sheets if not writhing in agony on top of that damned yellow pillow. She'd be drenched in sweat if not hot, desperate tears. Sometimes a combination of the two.

There were always arms to comfort her during the terrors. The arms that shook her awake and held her while she cried were not the ones she longed for, however. The voices that soothed her with assurance that everything would be okay were not what she needed more than anything to hear. No amount of love from her friends could be enough to even begin replacing what she knew she had lost. Laura didn't need any of Danny's speeches, Kirsch's jokes, Perry's pastries or LaFontaine's algorithms. The only thing she needed was now buried somewhere under a pile of burning rubble in a literal pit of despair. Her realization had come too late.

Laura stared into her camera for a good five minutes before she thought of anything to say.

"Greetings, gentle viewers," she almost whispered as she did her best to muster a slightly less morose facial expression. "After everything that has happened recently and my journalism class ending, I've made the decision to discontinue this project. This will be my last entry. Ever. It's been really great to have you guys, though. You'll never know how much I've learned from this experience. I just wanted to say thanks for watching and I hope this impacts posterity. If you want to close this window and carry on with your day now, I urge you to do so. The rest of this entry will be kind of for my own satisfaction, anyway."

Laura paused and looked down at her hands fidgeting in her lap. After some time, she began to find the words she had been searching for.

"To my friends: thank you so much for being there for me whenever I needed you. You're all a true blessing to my life and this semester never would've been the same without you. I hope we stay friends not only until graduation, but also for the rest of our lives. To my dad: I know you've been watching these, even though you promised not to. That's why I haven't returned your calls. I'm sorry. I know how worried you are. I mean, you're always worried, but that's not the point. Basically, what I haven't had the courage to tell you is that I'm an adult. I don't need you to send me weekly bear spray. I don't need you to send me an entire box of hand warmers every time it snows. I don't need you to call me at three in the morning just because there's a chance of rain the next day. It's not that I don't need you, it's just…Dad, I'm a grown woman. I'll be fine. I'll survive."

With that, Laura had to stop and catch her breath; gather her thoughts. She took what she was sure to be the most shaky-sounding inhalation of her life and raised her eyes to the red dot and lens once more.

"And, finally, to Carmilla," she began as she repressed tears she felt threatening to escape. "I have something very, _very _important to tell you that I should've said a month ago. I know you're not watching this now, but-,"

"On the contrary, Creampuff."

Laura quickly searched the reflection on her screen for the owner of the sultry voice she had just heard- or maybe imagined- before accepting that it was too dark to make anything out. She slowly turned around in her swivel chair, fresh tears streaming down her red cheeks like a newly-burst dam.

"Well?"

The small girl didn't reply, only stood up deliberately and stared in disbelief. Then, after seconds that felt like hours, she ran. She ran full speed across her half-room and came to a collision with the dark-haired figure leaning against the doorframe, almost toppling both of them.

"You came back," the aspiring journalist whimpered into the torn Ramones t-shirt she had buried her face in upon contact. "Carm, you came back."

"Why do you sound so surprised?" Carmilla asked in her usual tone of mock-arrogance.

"You were dead," Laura stated softly. She finally detached her face from the vampire's chest and looked up. Suddenly, her arms fell from around the taller girl's neck. Her eyes widened and a look of fury that no one would have ever thought possible came across her face. "You were dead. You were _dead. _You were _DEAD._ How _dare_ you let me lie here in misery for _two whole weeks,_ wanting to go to sleep and not wake up to escape the _sheer and utter sorrow_ that your little stunt inflicted. You think you can just come waltzing back in here like nothing happened after two_ motherfucking _weeks and everything can just go back to normal?"

Carmilla stared down with her mouth slightly open, which was admittedly very uncool, and was struck by a feeling she hadn't experienced in over 300 years until she moved into room 307. She was speechless. Laura went on.

"I had nightmares. Every. Night," she spit out as she emphasized each of her last words with a quick jab to Carmilla's chest with one accusatory index finger. "You stupid, useless vampire. You had the _nerve_ to just let me sit here blubbering about how much I-" she stopped and glared at her roommate's still-stunned face. Carmilla closed her mouth and lowered her eyebrows, only to part her lips once again to begin what would probably be a slue of snarky comments about worrisome little girls and being a 300-some-odd year old badass that could speak 42 languages and had earned 23 college degrees, but she was cut short before she could even begin. Just as Carmilla was about to launch into the spiel she'd planned on improvising, she was grabbed by the face by tiny hands and hurled forward at an almost alarming speed. Laura couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't let out months of pent-up emotion in any other way. She did the only thing she could think to do, which was seize the vampire's cheeks and kiss her. It was the only way to Laura could even begin to communicate what she couldn't find the words to say. All the rage, all the anguish, all the raw emotion in Laura's body was released into the most desperate, passionate, hungry kiss Carmilla had ever been a part of. Eventually, the 19-year-old pulled away, dropping her hands to the pale waist only inches from her own. Neither of the girls had an inkling of what to do or say next. After a moment, Laura regained her courage.

"If you ever, _ever_ leave me again, I'll stake you without any hesitation."

"Is that the very important thing you were going to tell me?"

Laura waited a beat.

"No."

"Yeah, I'd hoped not," Carmilla joked. "But, Laura, seriously."

Laura was almost startled at the other girl's uncharacteristic use of her actual name in place of some sweet food item like _cupcake _or _moonpie, _or even the generic _cutie _or _sweetheart._ She hardly ever uttered Laura's real name.

"…What?"

"I love you, too."

It was the first time in forever that Laura shed happy tears.


	2. The Discussion

"I didn't mean to make you cry," Carmilla said hesitantly. "I don't ever want to make you cry."

She stared down into her red-tinted coco and Laura knew her roommate was nervous. _After centuries of suppressing her feelings, _Laura thought_, she must have a pretty hard time talking about them. Gotta fix that one of these days._

"Carm," Laura started. "I know you've been through a lot recently. We all have, but there's some stuff we need to address. You and I, I mean."

The vampire continued to gaze into her drink, fidgeting with the handle and looking highly uncomfortable. After she'd burst into tears earlier in the afternoon, Laura had convinced herself that a chocolate packet and water would be just the right way to get her thoughts together. It was becoming increasingly harder to think with Carmilla around. Before they had settled on her bed with steaming mugs of what she could only describe as "a level of deliciousness that stands unmatched," Laura never realized that Carmilla could also be nervous around _her_. She was just a "naïve, provincial girl," after all. Just a child with next to no life experience in any field but YA literature and television dramas with just a few too many seasons. However; if she'd learned anything from _Law & Order_, it was how to tell when a person of interest was avoiding the topic at hand. The journalism major pushed on. She certainly had the interviewing skills for the situation.

"Hey, you broody little bloodsucker. Look at me. _Look at me."_

The third sentence had contained a strong enough hint of pleading to persuade Carmilla to lift her eyes to the face commanding her attention. The only face she thought she ever wanted to look at again. She readjusted her position so that she was mirroring Laura, crisscrossed and facing her. Taking the movement as a signal to continue, Laura did.

"I understand that it's hard for you to talk about how you feel. I do. Despite that understanding, I really need you to tell me _exactly_ what you meant earlier. 'I love you' can have a lot of different meanings. My dad tells me that he loves me, but it's not the same as when Perry says it. That, in turn, isn't the same as when my grandma says it or when my best friend from high school does. I need to know what it means when you say you love me because it's really going to suck if you meant that you're glad I'm your roommate and you have platonic affection pointed in my direction. If that's what you meant, you have to tell me right now. If I don't get an explanation, I don't know if I can keep from…keep…keep from…" Laura trailed off.

She had trusted herself not to ramble and to just say what she needed to say but, of course, that didn't exactly happen. She had gotten lost in her own words, just like she always did. She could feel Carmilla's stare boring holes into the top of her head as she looked down into her own cocoa, still sitting almost at the brim of her TARDIS mug. She took a deep breath in.

"If I don't get an explanation, I don't know if I can keep from telling you that I love you. No, I don't just love you. I'm _in_ love with you. And I know that you probably think it's stupid and I don't know what I'm talking about and I can't possibly know what love feels like at 19 and only knowing you for a couple of months, but…You're wrong if you do think that. I'm in love with you, Carmilla, and if you can't reciprocate then I need you to tell me so and I can leave."

Carmilla only smiled.

"What could possibly be amusing to you about that?" Laura half-shouted. Then, she experienced one of her more secret pleasures. The frustration fell from her face as she listened to Carmilla begin speaking in her native tongue.

"Du dumme , dumme Kind," she said with a grin. "Du bist so blind manchmal . "

Laura raised her eyebrows as if to say, _Oh, really?_

"Creampuff," she continued. "Ich bin so in dich verliebt dass ich manchmal denke, ich werde explodieren."

Carmilla brushed Laura's hair out of her eyes and looked at her expectantly. Laura had taken German for four years in high school and still took classes online to help her get along at Silas. She understood fully what Carmilla said and, yet, she felt so confused.

"You're in love with me? You're sure?"

"Ja."

"In English."

"Cupcake, I'm in love with you. I'll tell you every day in every language I know if it'll make you believe me. I love you more than you could ever begin to imagine."

Laura woke up and stretched her hand out expecting to brush against Carmilla's skin. When that didn't happen, she slowly opened her eyes and sat up. Then she realized.

For the millionth time in the past two weeks, Laura cried tears of misery. Half of her wished the dreams would stop. The other half wished for them to be real.


	3. The Catalyst

When they cautiously opened the door down the hall from theirs, LaFontaine was greeted with just what they'd expected. Laura was in her roommate's bed, tangled in sheets they were sure hadn't been washed since the battle, curled around the yellow pillow. LaFontaine entered and crossed the room to the desk and, still without saying a word, pulled the small brunette's rolling chair directly in front of her face. They sat down and waited a few beats.

"Hey."

"Hey," Laura replied in a broken whisper, her eyes never straying from the spot she was seemingly trying to burn into the wall opposite the bed. LaF could see tear streaks running down their friend's face not only vertically, but horizontally as well. They were just beginning to dry. _She must have crying just before I came in, _LaF thought, subconsciously rubbing their now-sweaty palms on the thighs of their jeans. _All she's been doing lately has been lying in bed crying. Maybe she doesn't have any tears left. Maybe telling her won't be so bad after all._

"I don't know if you've talked to Perry," they said slowly. "But if you have, you probably know that I've been spending a lot of time in the library with JP. And you may have noticed that the big Sumerian book has gone missing from your desk. Well, maybe you haven't noticed, and I totally understand why you wouldn't have noticed what with your indescribable tragedy and all, but the book has, in fact, gone missing. I have it."

At the redhead's ignorant mention of her circumstances, Laura's eyes began to water once again and her bottom lip trembled as her face took on a look of pure, unadulterated agony.

"Oh," they said, understanding their mistake. "My bad. Totally inappropriate. I'm so sorry. I'm kind of new at this 'being sensitive to emotions instead of analyzing them' thing."

Laura still didn't avert her teary eyes from their position. She barely blinked. LaF took this as an opportunity to further examine where they had gone wrong. _I don't know what to do, _they thought. _I'm a scientist; I'm supposed to always know what to do. Solutions are kind of my thing. Haha. Solutions. Puns._

They chuckled to themselves before stopping abruptly to apologize again.

"Sorry," they rushed. "I was laughing at something I thought but, uh, I realize how kind of dumb that is. I, um, I came because I've come across something I think could be really, really crucial to everyone's emotional states. Well, actually, it's mostly for yours."

Laura let out a long, yet weak sigh. She sniffled before uncurling herself from around the pillow and sitting up, her joints making muffled popping noises from staying still such a long time. She stared directly into LaF's eyes and inhaled.

"LaF," she began. "You're my best friend and I'm appreciative that you're trying to help. I know everyone is trying to help. But, honestly, I don't think any of you understand. I can't expect you to understand. It would be totally unfair for me to expect that. Still, I'm going to try to explain, okay?"

LaFontaine nodded, their eyebrows creasing together in a look of concern.

"Whatever you think you've found," Laura said, her voice growing stronger. "Will not help. There is nothing, _nothing_ that can help me right now. I know it's been a long time and I've been worrying Perry, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to get up ever. If I get up, I'll find her. I'll find her everywhere, but not everywhere enough. I still accidentally stumble across philosophy books all the time. Endless pairs of leather pants. I don't even know where she could have bought them all from." Laura paused to gather her thoughts. "There are millions of cassettes for a Walkman I haven't seen yet. Cassettes, LaF. Carmilla is everywhere in this room and, yeah, it destroys me to see it, but it's all I have now and I refuse to leave her again. I refuse to forget her. I refuse to let her think, wherever she's looking down on me from because I know she is, that I'm moving on from her. It's the only way I can tell her how I feel now, even if it's stupid."

LaFontaine sat back in the chair. They'd underestimated how hard this would be. They didn't ever quite understand what Perry had meant when she said Laura couldn't come over or couldn't go grab take-out. Laura couldn't because there was no Laura anymore. There was her body and her face and her voice, but not the positivity and love that usually accompanied the former. Laura as LaF knew her didn't exist anymore. As an engineering minor, the shortest of Silas' redheaded trio could not let something so broken go so unfixed. It was against their nature and they had to do something. They would tell her, no matter how hard they knew the outcome would be.

"We can get Carmilla back to you."

"What, exactly," Perry shot accusingly at her roommate. "Did you say to her?"

"I told her JP and I could bring Carmilla back."

Perry's jaw dropped. Her eyes widened and she froze, no longer fanning her unconscious ward. She straightened up from over Laura's limp form on the bed.

"Are you trying to make me faint, too?" her voice lifting an octave. "You can't just… you can't just say stuff like that. Even if there was a way to fix this, you can't just _say _that."

Perry gazed at LaF expectantly, waiting for some sort of explanation. It wasn't that the RA didn't believe LaF; she wanted to get the full story. LaFontaine could and had done many exceptionally extraordinary things in the past, but none on the level of resurrecting the dead. Or, really, the twice dead now. If that was even possible. She raised her eyebrows and tilted her head, making it clear to the bio major to spit out whatever they were supposed to be saying.

"Well," they started slowly. "JP was able to translate almost the entire Sumerian book after we found something on the Internet about a passage in a similar book from Brazil. The passages are almost identical, actually. He thought the Brazilian book came about 150 years later, but the gist was the same. With the Brazilian version, there's a story about this ritual tha-" they were cut off by a sharp intake of breath coming from the bed adjacent.

"Perry?" Laura questioned, clearly confused at her advisor's sudden, unexplained appearance.

"Hey, Laura," Perry replied. "Su-, I mean, LaFontaine called me a few minutes ago. You fainted, if you couldn't tell. Are you feeling okay?" Laura quickly apologized for the inconvenience, but Perry continued. "I noticed you hadn't been eating anything the last few times I went to restock your fridge, so I planned on coming to see you today anyway."

"I'm fine, Perr," the tiny journalist assured. "Thanks for coming over. I, uh, LaF and I were having kind of a heart-to-heart and I guess I just got a little woozy."

"I bet your blood sugar's pretty low," LaF interjected quietly. "You haven't been eating that much, like Perry said."

Laura looked as guilty as she felt. She did appreciate Perry bringing over countless dishes of food, she just never really felt hungry anymore. She didn't feel hungry, thirsty, bored, tired, anything. She felt empty. She was sure her friends had picked up on her mood (or lack thereof), but Laura wasn't ready to delve into deep conversation about it, as she was sure Perry would like. Instead, she turned to LaF and tried to address the question at the forefront of both hers and Perry's minds.

"I'll do anything," Laura professed. "Whatever you've found, how it works, I don't care. Just tell me what to do."

LaFontaine looked down and fiddled with a loose string hanging from the seam of their jeans. They made no move to explain and Laura grew impatient.

"LaF, I swear, if you don't start giving me some answers _right now,_ I'll-"

"For starters, someone else has to be prepared to die."


End file.
